Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
