i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
