I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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