I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
