I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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