I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
