I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
