My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
