Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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