Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
