grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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