the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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