I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
