hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
