Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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