i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
