my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
