Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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