I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
