You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
