Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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