i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
