Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
