...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize