I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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