So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
