dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
