tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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