I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
