Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
