Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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