I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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