yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
