im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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