In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
