I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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