just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When are your genitals available?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
