tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
