I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
