Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
