Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
