Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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