____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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