I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
