i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Sorry my hands just texted you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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