I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
