I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
