He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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