I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
