did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Do you still have your period?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
