I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
