I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
