So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
