cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
