If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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