Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
