Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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