mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
