my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize