the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
40s are totally the cure
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
