i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
